Deadspin predicts the Super Bowl LVIII winner

A Detroit Lions-Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl was the matchup with all the storylines and drama. Instead, we’re getting a rematch of Super Bowl LIV. This is the third Super Bowl the Chiefs have been in since that game. And this season we’ve been inundated with Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce coverage — and conspiracy theories — and Kermit the Frog Patrick Mahomes in countless State Farm commercials.

Still, we’ll be watching the Big Game, and we’re here to tell you how Sunday’s big spectacle will play out. I’m sure one of us will be exactly right.

Sean Beckwith, staff writer

Give me Chiefs, 28-27 on a late two-point conversion to Travis Kelce, who then proposes to Taylor Swift after the game, she says “Yes,” turns to the camera, and announces they’re “Going to Disney World.” This was never about politics. It’s about a wedding of two of the most powerful IPs in America — football and famous people — for a boatload of that sweet, sweet Disney money.

Winner: Corporate America

Cale Clinton, breaking news writer

It’s impossible to bet against Patrick Mahomes. I’ve been burned more times than I can count at this point, thinking this was finally the window that the Chiefs would take their step back and let somebody else have a shot at a Super Bowl. This should’ve been the year. They had no receivers. Mahomes and Kelce looked worse than they had in any part of their partnership. Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen played like MVPs all year. Didn’t matter. The Chiefs are inevitable. This is what it’s like to have grown up a Patriots fan. I get it now. This is the best defense the Chiefs have ever had. Rashee Rice looks like a stud. Travis Kelce has turned back the clock. The 49ers have never beaten the Chiefs with Steve Spagnuolo running their defense. Patrick Mahomes in the playoffs is as inevitable as the sun’s rise in the east every morning. There is no reason not to put the house on Kansas City winning their third ring in five years.

Winner: 49ers 24-22, Christian McCaffrey wins MVP

DJ Dunson, staff writer

Feast your eyes on the Cam Newton Bowl. Doesn’t matter if you’re a Big Game Changer or Big Game Manager, the only resolution worth its weight would be us tuning him and his Loretta Devine church hats out after this season. Brock Purdy has multitudes. He typically gets more relaxed and settles into his game-changer flow as playoff games progress, but Mahomes won’t be afforded that option. Usher has vowed to honor Atlanta at halftime, and if I know how former Atlanta Falcons coordinator Kyle Shanahan works, he’ll do the same by riding Christian McCaffrey against that spongy Chiefs defense to an early lead and try to surrender it late once Mahomes starts applying offensive pressure on the second half.

Chiefs win 34-30.

Sam Fels, staff writer

I’m not dumb enough to pick against Patrick Mahomes, as he smashes the narrative that QBs matter over all when it’s actually him that matters over all and everyone else is just playing for second. I’ll be betting that way in the hopes it makes just enough to get to my $100 on Inter winning the Champions League at 18-1. Other than that my interest lies in farting into my friend’s couch just enough that the overall oeuvre of the room can be described as, “Medieval Anarchy.”

Winner: Chiefs 31-17

Stephen Knox, staff writer

The 49ers have the most explosive skill position talent in the NFL. They have one of the best pass rushers in the league, and coach with the play design ingenuity of Mr. Coach Klein from The Waterboy. What the 49ers also have is a Trent Williams-sized chip on their shoulder. They surrendered a 10-point second-half lead to the Chiefs in Super Bowl LIV and ended up losing by 11. Two years ago they blew a 10-point second-half lead to the Los Angeles Rams in the NFC Championship game, and last year Brock Purdy blew out his elbow and the 49ers never had a chance in their conference championship game loss to the Philadelphia Eagles.

Winner: Chiefs 27-24, Patrick Mahomes MVP

Anthony Locicero, managing editor

With Shanahan as coach, and McCaffrey as a weapon, the Denver Broncos will win the Super Bowl. Time will revert to 1999, and I’ll go back to living in a world where the Chiefs hadn’t won a title since 1970, my favorite baseball team is in the midst of a dynasty, nu-metal was a thing, and we find out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense.

Winner: My imagination

Mackenzie Meaney, breaking news writer

Here is the thing, I almost always pick the underdog. I think Brock Purdy has proven himself that he is a QB who can play in this league, regardless of where he got drafted. I like the feel-good story of Christian McCaffery winning the Super Bowl and somehow recreating the picture of him running through the confetti as a little kid when his dad did it years ago. However, my gut is saying Chiefs, so I think I’m going to go with Taylor’s boyfriend and co., because it is wrong to go against a gut feeling.

Plus, I LOVE drama. So, if nothing else, I am setting myself, and only me, up for a dramatic game.

Winner: Chiefs 34-24 (and Brock Purdy)

Andy Mills, video lead

Anyone who thinks Super Bowl 58 will have a traditional ending is smoking crack. With Taylor Swift and all those movie and sports stars sharing the same screen, this will be the Infinite Jest moment wherein the NFL engineers an unending overtime scenario that keeps the Chiefs and 49ers trading touchdowns with enough cutaways to Tay-Tay to keep the ladies interested, too, and the world glued to a game that never ends, turning the entire world into zombies drooling over American Express ads. This is it, guys. Say your goodbyes.

∞-∞, nobody wins

Carron J. Phillips, senior writer

I’m less concerned with who wins the game, and more focused on what will come from the NFL having a Super Bowl in Las Vegas. The only thing we can mildly compare this to was the NBA All-Star Game in 2007, and history has pretty much labeled it a disaster. As far as the game, I wouldn’t be surprised if San Francisco is victorious. I also wouldn’t be shocked if Kansas City wins another one. I’m just here for the Usher Concert.

Winner: Usher’s streaming numbers/record and concert ticket sales